Sometimes in life we have to walk away. We don’t want want to, and it’s often painful to do so but it’s necessary for our own sanity and our own souls.
But after many many years of harbouring bitterness, hate and anger when needing to walk away from a situation or person I have realised that it serves no purpose to taint the memories of the very thing you loved so deeply once by replacing them with hate. Picking holes into the memories that are happy, just hurts yourself more. It makes you feel foolish and like the time served with that person or in that situation was a lie. It wasn’t.
Life is perspective. Very few things are factual. Two people can look at the same painting and both see different things. Neither are wrong but neither are right. It’s just the angle they are coming from. It is the same in any given situation. Often both parties will be adamant they are right, as to them, they are. But to the other person they themselves are right and justified also. So you go round and round trying to get the other person to see things from your perspective but that is actually impossible. It’s like asking someone to love steak based solely on your love of it and your description of the taste of it. They can’t. They haven’t experienced it.
Being right has always been my downfall. Or rather my NEED to be right. After much soul searching I realised that my complete need to be right stems from deep insecurity and a lack of self love and believing I’m worthy of love. It comes from a place of desperately wanting approval and for everyone to agree with me to validate me as a person. These are not easy things to accept as a person. That you are indeed a little bit broken. And a little bit, if not a lot, insecure and just wanting love.
The problem is, when you don’t love and respect yourself- most people don’t truly- you seek love in the wrong places, you take love to the wrong places and actually what started off as just wanting to be loved desperately, becomes the perfect grounds for battle. As when you don’t get the love you crave from another, you then become angry and hateful as THEY are hurting you. THEY are making you do/say/feel all these horrible things and YOU are a victim due to their lack of giving you the correct amount of love you require. In your eyes of course.
The truth is, NO amount of love from another can make you complete. If you are broken and insecure, if you have issues that you refuse to face and acknowledge to yourself, you will continue to spew that onto anyone who gets close. You will, as the saying goes, bleed on those that didn’t hurt you.
So, when you get 2 people who have both experienced childhood trauma or abandonment, who are both deeply insecure and in pain within themselves and they come together, at first this would feel to one or both like they have finally found their soul mate. Because they have. Their pain soul mate. They have both radiated the frequency of needing validation and love and radiated the pain they have and want to heal, but don’t know how, out into the universe and attracted each other. But attraction doesn’t always mean it’s positive. Negative attracts negative too. So this deep connection they both feel isn’t incorrect or wrong. It’s bang on. The universe has performed how it’s meant to. It has allowed 2 people on the same frequency to be brought into each other’s lives.
Sadly for both of them, eventually this deep connection of feelings and soul mates soon becomes a complete living nightmare. Both living out each other’s worst fears. Both playing their parts perfectly as a cosmic lesson to each other to try to force them into healing their souls. If they don’t recognise this as a lesson then it will repeat over and over and over throughout their lives. Possibly with different people, the scenarios may be different but the negative emotions and feelings will still be the same. No matter who they are around.
When you give out negativity from your heart, you can only attract like minded people. When you are doubtful and untrusting you will attract people who create more doubt and give you a reason to be distrusting. Or you will become distrustful yourself to validate your beliefs.
Ever noticed that you get into a cycle of arguments with your partner at times and it just constantly raises its ugly head anytime another issue crops up? It’s because you are too busy blaming each other for the issue- to actually see the lesson within the issue.
For example, you hate your partner leaving dirty underwear everywhere. It really really pisses you off. It’s dirty and unnecessary and the wash basket is RIGHT THERE and I do the god damn washing the least they can do is put it in the basket… right?
The partner HATES you nagging, on and on about the same pointless thing. So what there’s A pair of boxers on the floor, I was rushing to get in the shower as I’ve been at work all fucking day then I come home and she’s in a foul mood at me over a pair of boxer shorts. Talking to me like a child. I’m the man of the house, I’m a grown man if I want to drop my boxers I god damn WILL. I’m not doing as I’m told.
See what’s happening? Both are right. To themselves. To break this cycle one of them has to change what’s happening. If both change how they react then the problem is solved faster. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. She doesn’t like boxers on the floor, he doesn’t care. So she either needs to pick them up or shut up. Why run your life being so angry about someone else not doing something that only bothers you? What a waste of time!
On the other side… if he doesn’t like being spoke to like a child, then stop acting like one, purposefully leaving underpants on the floor for someone else to pick up after him, like a child. If you hate it so much be a responsible adult and show respect by being grateful your partner who wants to wash your pants and keep the house nice.
Both partners have the opportunity to resolve peacefully, but neither do. As both would rather continue in this drama to feed their ego that just LOVES to be right, than quickly solve the issue. Then other people get dragged into it, asking their opinion, building up an army behind them to PROVE they are right. As if they have back up to agree then they MUST be right. But these other people that get involved are all just coming at it from several different perspectives: one is amusement and smugness that they are not caught in this conflict with their own partner. Another is that they may be having their own conflict on a similar Subject with their own partner. Or they may be single and simply have a deep dislike for the opposite sex. It happens.
Sadly this relatively irrelevant argument infects the rest of the relationship slowly. Because both partners need to be right, and if they manage to get a small victory in one of the many arguments they have on the subject, the ego is now addicted. It’s gone into over drive. It wants more. So will slowly infect every part of the relationship. Laying traps subconsciously for the other person to fall into to pull them back into conflict, looking for things that are wrong, or that they can express as wrong to people they know will agree, anyone they try to get on side who applies logic to this situation will be quickly weeded out by the ego and surplus to requirements and probably not contacted until the argument has calmed or resolved or there’s another issue they may get on board with to get them to hate the partner.
So we are now at war. And it really is war. Each party builds up an army of people to back them up and who all want to attack too as you represent all their own personal grievances and insecurities. Then on the opposit side of the battleground the opposing party has done the same. The house is a battleground, people begin to stop coming by, no one wants to be around you both as a couple and you are further isolated on this battle ground with nothing but hate, abandonment, fear and your ego who is having a great time.
At some stage one or both will wonder what happened. Where did the love go. how did we get here? But generally it’s just too late. You’ve both gone too far. The pain is insurmountable and when you look at each other you are now simply reminders of the deep emotional pain you’ve been carrying around all of your adult life.
So you pick up that pain suitcase and add it to your collection ready to dump on someone else’s existence. Very quickly you will meet someone and straight away start feeling like you are finally home again, until you start to unpack…. and you start the whole cycle again. Jumping out of one toxic relationship to another trying to resolve the issues that only reside within you.
When you leave a relationship like the above. Leave the baggage for the bin men. You don’t need it. You do not need to carry all that pain, hurt and sadness into your next relationship. Because if you do, you will simply walk into one with someone with the identical luggage set.
Walk away with love and gratitude. Love the person without the crap. Genuinely wish them well and pray that they can heal. But it’s not your place to help them anymore. They were your lesson. You were theirs. Go somewhere quiet, be calm, be still. Stop the bad mouthing and anger and hatred toward them, it’s gone now and it’s not relevant.
Learn. Dig into that deep wound and dig out the shrapnel that’s preventing it from healing. It will sting like a bitch. But when it’s out it will heal and stop continuing to hurt you. Look inwards. Because, if you don’t like what you see outside of you in your immediate little existence-you need to look what’s going on inside of you in the only true existence that is. Once you are at peace with yourself, other peoples issues will no longer feel personal as you can’t match their feelings with it, you are not on their frequency. You don’t need to fight any corner as it just does not affect you in any way at all.
If someone was trying to tell you that 1+1=145 would you make it your absolute life’s mission to tell them otherwise. You may correct them at first but after a very very short space of time you just would give up as it’s not important to you what they think as you KNOW 1+1=2 so it’s a fact, you know it to be true so you don’t need to emotionally invest all your time going to war over it.
People fight and argue about ‘facts’ that they think are true because deep down they know they are not. they are nothing but perspectives that our ego has turned to fact. And we base our lives and speech around these perspectives that are not true for everyone. Even the worst crime imaginable isn’t fact-
‘killing people is wrong’
it’s not fact, as we would all gladly watch a child molester die. Especially if they’d hurt or killed our own child. So murder is wrong isn’t a fact as it’s not universally true for everyone in every situation.
Even if you say murdering someone who doesn’t deserve it is wrong, this seems fair doesn’t it?
But who decides who does and doesn’t deserve it? Based on everyone’s very different perceptions of life and their own thoughts, feelings and insecurities, this will vary hugely. In some cultures women are stoned to death for infidelity and sometimes just disrespecting the husband, to us in the western world this is unspeakable horror, but in their culture this would be classed as acceptable. So again, who do we entrust to make a fair decision on who is deserving to live or die. We can’t. Therefore it’s not fact. It’s perception and opinion that each individual decides personally on. If we can universally agree on the most basic of things like murder what chance do we have on living in harmony with each other when we expect everyone else to agree with every single one of our opinions. We are expecting the impossible. Then being angry and upset when it doesn’t happen. Like waking up every day expecting to have wings and fly, discovering we don’t then being angry at the world because of it. Then repeating. Every. Single. Day.
So the next time you are so adamant that you are completely right and that you need to be validated as right, ask yourself, is it true that I’m right. Is it universally the truth that I am right?
In the above scenario, the only truth was that pants were on the floor, and the partner got angry, then the other partner became defiant. They are the only truths. The partner who got angry wasn’t right or wrong for being angry but she wasn’t right or wrong for expecting the other to adhere to her wishes because it makes her angry. She is in control of what makes her angry. If she wants the anger to go away she should control the situation with action not anger. So just pick them up, and move on with your life. Equally the other partner can’t control their wife being angry when they throw dirty clothes on the floor but the fact is they will be, deal with the fact. He doesn’t like his wife getting angry, she gets angry every time he does this act. So don’t do it. Life really is that simple.
If you don’t like the way some behaves around or towards you, the only fact you have is that you don’t like it and the words and physical things they are doing that make you feel unhappy. It’s not fact that they are WRONG like it’s not fact that you don’t DESERVE them to treat you this way. It is what it is. That is the situation and you have a choice. Match their frequency with equal or more hate and anger and violence or simply walk away with love.
Love yourself enough to walk away and hold your own truths close to your heart and fill that soul with the love that gives you peace. Being right will only keep you satisfied for a short time as it’s changeable. being love and feeling love within yourself will satisfy you to a point you no longer rely on another to complete you. Or make you happy. So you will attract people who no longer want to cause conflict or fight you with their ego. You have the power to be happy right now. It’s Within you. And at the end of the day you are all you truly have.