Can the past ever be left in the past?

Brain fog evening!!!!

When learning about different spiritual practices and beliefs there are a few common ideas. One being the past. It’s a common theme that we should love fully in the present, and forget about the past. But if we were to fully forget about the past, how would we ever learn? Do we need to learn from our past mistakes at all or are we supposed to treat each moment as the first?

By looking back at the past and acting on past experiences do we inevitably bring about unpleasant experiences in the present because we are putting expectations on it based on the outcomes of the past?

If we had no expectations in a current situation and just let it play out, would we not encounter anything unpleasant ever? Unlikely. BUT would we have less unpleasant experiences? Definitely.

Are our past negative experiences that we use to draw wisdom on

Are we ultimately forming more negative situations based on our expectations that we’ve formed from our past experiences? So we act unnaturally, or be defensive pre-empting a negative experience therefore bringing about one. We are magnets. We attract- so do we treat every moment as a fresh moment?

If we didn’t get burned we wouldn’t know not to touch the fire. This is a good past lesson we need to remember. But do we need to remember the one time we were cheated on and play it forward into our consequent relationships? Or do we treat each person as a shiny new one, with no negative expectations or preparations?

I think when something hurts as a physical pain, it’s safe to remember. This is not living in the past. When you see fire you don’t relive the time you realised fire was hot. You don’t try to replay the situation in your head over and over hoping the outcome would be different. It just is. It is what it is. It’s fire it burns.

With emotions, it’s different. Emotions are not factual they are felt individually and very differently between people. What is acceptable to one isn’t for another. Emotional pain is something the mind conjures up, the ego is hurt and creates a pain so deep that you form a memory of pain to it , because it doesn’t want to experience it again or perhaps the egos game here is to cause you more and more pain as a way to control you to be destructive in every future relationship. As the egos goal is always destruction power and control.

I’m not sure how the Human brain is supposed to differentiate between the past events we need to remember and the ones we need to leave in the past. We need to remember skills and danger but we really don’t need to remember that time that bitch from work told you your arse was fat.

How do we decide what to drop and what to keep? if we live in the now and forget all past. That means I have to forget the good too? My children being born? That was an emotion but a good one. If I have to leave all emotions in the past and keep only the memories that keep us safe, surely we are stripping away the things that make us so complex. Without emotions and past events we would be emotionless and robotic. Is this how we should be? Or would we in fact be like children again. Our true selves without all the crap?

There’s a lot of things about spirituality that I love but forgetting all of my past isn’t one of them. I find it so confusing and I’m conflicted about it.

I’m going to try choose which memories serve and which don’t. I’m going to remember them all but try to learn the art of acting only on the ones that are completely necessary. im going to daydream about the lovely things that happened and keep the faith more are coming.

I love my spiritual journey but sometimes I wish it came with just one handbook.

On a side note my new Tibetan meditation bowl came 🥰🥰🥰

If you have any insights drop a comment!!

Addiction and awakening

It’s occurred to me that most people who have undergone some sort of awakening, enlightenment and spiritual calling or experience has previous been addicted to a substance of some sort.

When you are addicted or abuse a substance that takes you away from your true self, you really form a deep connection with your ego- your shadow self. This then becomes an animalistic and ruthless way of living. Merely surviving-just.

Each day, when you are addicted, is run by your ego. It’s trying to get you the next fix to keep you complacent and subservient, you are nothing more than your egos puppet. While you are drunk or high, your ego has the space it needs to stretch its legs, crack its knuckles and really get to work on you. Running the show but letting you believe it’s what you want. Making you believe you know more than anyone else, creating separation between you and others and oneness. Telling you you’re special, misunderstood, intelligent, irresistible to everyone. The ego forms this deep hold on you, and anyone who threatens this existence, or, applies reason to your beliefs about your own hierarchy, will be met with furious anger and even violence. The ego can not risk you seeing through its control, so controls you further by alienating you and convincing you this is because you are so special.

Your ego is able to distract you with crazy reasonings and promises of quick euphoria, it provides those immediate feelings of power and they feel great for a short time. However, the feeling quickly turns into a feeling of dissatisfaction and surrounded by shame. So the ego convinces you that your feelings are the fault of another and causes you to attack or withdraw from the object of your blame.

Before you know it you are alone and the only people who stay around are those that fall in line with your egos wishes and your addiction.

But then something wonderful can happen…. you are at Rock bottom, you don’t know who you are, you don’t recognise yourself and your life does not look like any resemblance of a life you want. You lose almost everything. You are done with feeling like this. The ego has run you to exhaustion. You are a hollow shell. And with no goodness in your life anywhere you begin to realise that this can’t be it.

Then out of the darkness you see a bit of light. Something within you knows there’s more. Youve lost your way but the way has always been there.

Suddenly the realisation starts to lead you to look at things and read things you’ve previously dismissed or not even noticed. You’ll form a deep connection but not because you WANT it to be that way. It’s because it just IS that way. You read things that blow your mind but not because it’s new, it’s because you cannot believe you’ve not noticed it like this before. You’ve always know it to be true but you forgot. But now you FEEL it. And it feels safe. It feels warm. It feels home.

Now you remember your true nature and theres no going back to how you were before. You change from everything everyone thought you were, to something else that no one knows you as. Some may mock you, be out and out nasty to you but this is their own egos feeling threatened that your awakening may trigger their hosts awakening so they convince the host that what you have realised is a load of shite, hippy nonsense that serves to destroy everything we know and love-everything material that is.

BUT some will embrace you, you’ll start to meet like minded people and it will feel like all these people who have always been there begin to come out of the woodwork. They suddenly radiate to you and under the stillness that you suddenly can become, the negative hateful ego driven souls retreat, to continue on their own path of destruction. It is not our place to tell any other Human being how to live their life. It is not our place to judge.

For you who have started to wake up, Lessons will come thick and fast and heavy. You’ll feel at times like you are going crazy. But you know you can’t go back to the other place. So you have an internal conflict. Between everything you thought you knew and everything that you now know to be true for you. Awakening is different for each but it reconnects us to each other. We can suddenly find forgiveness in places we couldn’t even contemplate before. We can see the poor actions against us by others for what they are… egoic temper tantrums, and when you stop playing your part in it and remain calm or walk away you realise that the extreme situations you had previously been in where in fact brought on or exaggerated by your own ego.

This is not to say that bad things won’t ever happen. They will. This is life and we are a collective with different thoughts and ideas, so, unless we collectively become awakened to our responsibility to each other and the earth, there will always be the disease of mind, the disease of ego and the symptom of destruction. Sometimes you will encounter this, regardless of what stage you are at, you may have to play that part to be someone else’s lesson. You may need to be hurt to teach another or a group of others the lesson of forgiveness and oneness. This does not mean you deserve it. It just is. And the only thing you can control in any situation is you’re own reactions. Minimise the damage. Forgive and heal yourself. For yourself. Continuing to wish Ill on the one who hurt you simply hurts you more. A feeling of wanting revenge will consume you and no amount of revenge will ever be enough because the pain is within you. Not them. Unless you heal your own pain like an animal that retreats to lick it’s wounds, you will bleed on those that didn’t hurt you to try to hurt the one that did. let it go. Accept it for what it was. Even the most traumatic experiences don’t last as long as the time you spend reliving it in the prison of your mind with the ego playing the role of prison guard. Why continue to torture yourself as a way of punishing the other? You’re only punishing yourself. Being the victim does not stop what happened nor does it rectify it. It just becomes your life story. Then you attract more situations to add to your collection of victim stories. Be the silent warrior. Strong and still, capable and calm. Never be the victim nor the perpetrator. Just a flow of natural energy and love. Accepting and compassionate. Seek love in the corners where you think there can’t be any. It is there.

I thank my alcoholism for pulling me to so many pieces and breaking me down to nothing, so that I could reform myself to who I truly am. Something kind. Something loving. Something willing to learn and be open minded.

Thank you for reading 🙏🏻

If you are on your own addiction journey and are experiencing something spiritual for the first time. I’d love to hear from you!

What are we?

We are fluid, like water.

Our job is to flow, to know when to be still and help to nurture others. a time to know when to transform – either by evaporation to become rain, that’s presence can be felt far beyond the place it came from, and a time to solidify, to allow a solidity for other life forms.

Like water there is always an easy route where you can let yourself flow, you will follow a path of least resistance and enter a space where you can fill up and be calm. The space you fill, much like a lake, then provides nourishment for others, others can revel at your beauty and join you and play with you and appreciate you.

Along your path you may become turbulent, you pick up mud and heavy rocks whilst turbulent and carry this heavy burden along with you, only when you become still and calm can you let go of these burdens. No reasoning is needed, no resistance just simply calm.

When your water become out of control and stormy, like a tsunami, you enter areas you shouldn’t be, there is much resistance and no path for you, there is no space for you to be still, so you engulf the life that is already there and destroy it, you take it over, you fill spaces that are already filled and cause much pain and misery, even death. and you do it quickly and without any consideration. All there is, is your need for power and to force yourself into spaces you don’t fit.

When you eventually calm and leave, the destruction left behind is felt by many, it has a negative ripple effect and those affected are deeply wounded and damaged for years, possibly generations. Your quick fire solution to explode in a moment of glory reaches areas you did not touch. And when you have flowed back to calm and filled the space of least resistance you have then become filled with all the debris of the destruction you caused. This takes longer to settle. People may visit you once clear beautiful and calm waters and feel sadness as they are murky and filled with broken pieces of others happiness. No one wants to swim in you or be nourished from you as your waters are now toxic. You are left alone to settle, you evaporate, you become rain and when you return to the land you have the opportunity to choose the path of least resistance. You are reborn.

Your life is cyclic. But you are also cursed with free will. The free will is what gives the choice, even though sometimes we don’t know what we are choosing until it’s too late. Free will is a beautiful thing in principle but in reality it creates more problems than is necessary. Choosing between different paths, the free will can then be taken over by ego, which convinced you to take the quicker but more dangerous route, for spoils unheard of, pleasures beyond your wildest dreams. But you never get there as the dangers are insurmountable. Your true self, your soul, your source… this will lead you down what would appear to be less exciting path, it’s longer and there is no promise of anything at the end. But what there is, is love every step further down the path you go, you begin to create excitement for yourself, in the right ways, this stops being a path to get to a destination and simply a wonderful life experience. You realise this IS the destination and the deeper you get into the path chosen by your soul, the more pleasure and fulfilment you are able to manifest.

The soul just could not show you it or make promises for it as it relied on your blind faith to Follow that path. And without blind faith the path does not exist for you.

The egos path is full of temptations and empty promises that are instantly gratifying if obtained. But they never deliver the promise of fulfilment as the depths in which you will need to go to, to obtain the prize are not in alignment with your true self. You feel dirty and tarnished and used. Lied to and hurt. This leads to bitterness and resentment that you didn’t get what you are owed and you have had to suffer to even get to this point of dissatisfaction. This feeling keeps you a slave to your ego that will promise your deeper Riches, more pleasures, all you have to do is follow it and do what it tells you to do along the way. It’s promises take you so far away from your peaceful soul that you forget all about the nirvana that was promised and are completely taken over by ego… you are now destructive by nature. To yourself and anyone who comes near.

In this state it is not hard to seek redemption. Be still. Stop moving forward on the path of destruction. Simply look to your right and you can see the peaceful true path has been running alongside you all the time.

The path is your blank canvas at this point. There are no promises and no nirvana, there is no one telling you what to do, but there is no hate. All you have to do is calmly and quietly put one foot in front of the other. As you remain calm you notice your path has beauty in it and you begin to create more. You can still see the egos path and it’s trying to tempt you over but you mustn’t panic. You mustn’t try to DO anything to get rid of it. Just observe without judgement the lengths it will go to, to lure you back to its path.

Do not be tempted. It will feign injury and the lay victim. It will convince you you have gone crazy. It will hold out the things you think you’d like such as revenge and try to tempt you over. Stay true to your path. Keep walking calmly. It will become angry at points and throw every insult at you that it can. It will stab you in the heart to get a response but stay true, the great anger comes before great silence.

Then you notice a wall of trees is beginning to form between the paths. You can no longer see the ego path or the ego but you can hear it still. It becomes distant the further you get. Until one day it becomes quiet.

Like any enemy it is always going to be there waiting for an opportunity to strike but staying true to your path and having faith that you are protected by calm and peace will keep it away. Gratefulness will be your ally in times of weakness and love is your shield.

If you are unsure in life, you don’t know what to choose… be still. Be calm. Like the waters, let yourself flow into the path of least resistance

So you don’t think you’re egotistical???

Newsflash. You are. We all are. It’s inbuilt. BUT it’s over-rideable

Here’s how. When you encounter a negative situation. Particularly one that fills you with fear and anger, instead of reacting to the encounters you begin to experience, simply observe.

Observe your thoughts as they come crashing in to your brain like a freight train. Trying to goad you into external battle.

This is the point you can stop with zero damage. Observe the thoughts. Just let them come. Don’t fight them. Don’t question them and simply listen without judgement. Don’t judge the thoughts as anything. Good or bad just choose to hear them. They are just words in your head. They are NOT reality. They are your perceptive, reactive thoughts if what has happened, or what you think will happen. They are never in the moment. So you’re either basing your experience in that moment based on a past situation or you think you’re a clairvoyant and can tell the future. Either way it’s not fact or right. There is no right. Just perceptions.

Once you master just hearing your thoughts and not even challenging them just letting them be and seeing what happens. You hand over power to your higher self. The one who truly KNOWS you. the REAL you. Not the one having a tantrum.

This simple thing will change your life. And it feels so so much better Than an argument. Be in the now. You don’t have a problem right now. Just your idea of the problem you can create if you run off with your ego.

Manifestation magic!

This blew my mind!

Ok so I started a vision board months ago. I’ve removed and added things as they manifested.

I managed to get the chair I wanted, so I took a picture of the chair on my board then the chair in my garden to my friend who’s on this journey herself.

A day later while scrolling through my phone the pictures where side by side and I saw it!

I didn’t just manifest the chair, I manifested that whole picture in the corner of my board. Even the lines on the fence are replicated, the flowers, the dark patch where the box is, the pattern on the board that looks like brick and the bit of lounger you can just see.

If you are unsure if manifesting works… just look at this! Even the water mark I’m the floor where I spilt it watering the hanging basket matches the lounger shake on the inspiration board!! Freaked me out but In a good way!!!!!

Walking away with love

Sometimes in life we have to walk away. We don’t want want to, and it’s often painful to do so but it’s necessary for our own sanity and our own souls.

But after many many years of harbouring bitterness, hate and anger when needing to walk away from a situation or person I have realised that it serves no purpose to taint the memories of the very thing you loved so deeply once by replacing them with hate. Picking holes into the memories that are happy, just hurts yourself more. It makes you feel foolish and like the time served with that person or in that situation was a lie. It wasn’t.

Life is perspective. Very few things are factual. Two people can look at the same painting and both see different things. Neither are wrong but neither are right. It’s just the angle they are coming from. It is the same in any given situation. Often both parties will be adamant they are right, as to them, they are. But to the other person they themselves are right and justified also. So you go round and round trying to get the other person to see things from your perspective but that is actually impossible. It’s like asking someone to love steak based solely on your love of it and your description of the taste of it. They can’t. They haven’t experienced it.

Being right has always been my downfall. Or rather my NEED to be right. After much soul searching I realised that my complete need to be right stems from deep insecurity and a lack of self love and believing I’m worthy of love. It comes from a place of desperately wanting approval and for everyone to agree with me to validate me as a person. These are not easy things to accept as a person. That you are indeed a little bit broken. And a little bit, if not a lot, insecure and just wanting love.

The problem is, when you don’t love and respect yourself- most people don’t truly- you seek love in the wrong places, you take love to the wrong places and actually what started off as just wanting to be loved desperately, becomes the perfect grounds for battle. As when you don’t get the love you crave from another, you then become angry and hateful as THEY are hurting you. THEY are making you do/say/feel all these horrible things and YOU are a victim due to their lack of giving you the correct amount of love you require. In your eyes of course.

The truth is, NO amount of love from another can make you complete. If you are broken and insecure, if you have issues that you refuse to face and acknowledge to yourself, you will continue to spew that onto anyone who gets close. You will, as the saying goes, bleed on those that didn’t hurt you.

So, when you get 2 people who have both experienced childhood trauma or abandonment, who are both deeply insecure and in pain within themselves and they come together, at first this would feel to one or both like they have finally found their soul mate. Because they have. Their pain soul mate. They have both radiated the frequency of needing validation and love and radiated the pain they have and want to heal, but don’t know how, out into the universe and attracted each other. But attraction doesn’t always mean it’s positive. Negative attracts negative too. So this deep connection they both feel isn’t incorrect or wrong. It’s bang on. The universe has performed how it’s meant to. It has allowed 2 people on the same frequency to be brought into each other’s lives.

Sadly for both of them, eventually this deep connection of feelings and soul mates soon becomes a complete living nightmare. Both living out each other’s worst fears. Both playing their parts perfectly as a cosmic lesson to each other to try to force them into healing their souls. If they don’t recognise this as a lesson then it will repeat over and over and over throughout their lives. Possibly with different people, the scenarios may be different but the negative emotions and feelings will still be the same. No matter who they are around.

When you give out negativity from your heart, you can only attract like minded people. When you are doubtful and untrusting you will attract people who create more doubt and give you a reason to be distrusting. Or you will become distrustful yourself to validate your beliefs.

Ever noticed that you get into a cycle of arguments with your partner at times and it just constantly raises its ugly head anytime another issue crops up? It’s because you are too busy blaming each other for the issue- to actually see the lesson within the issue.

For example, you hate your partner leaving dirty underwear everywhere. It really really pisses you off. It’s dirty and unnecessary and the wash basket is RIGHT THERE and I do the god damn washing the least they can do is put it in the basket… right?


The partner HATES you nagging, on and on about the same pointless thing. So what there’s A pair of boxers on the floor, I was rushing to get in the shower as I’ve been at work all fucking day then I come home and she’s in a foul mood at me over a pair of boxer shorts. Talking to me like a child. I’m the man of the house, I’m a grown man if I want to drop my boxers I god damn WILL. I’m not doing as I’m told.

See what’s happening? Both are right. To themselves. To break this cycle one of them has to change what’s happening. If both change how they react then the problem is solved faster. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. She doesn’t like boxers on the floor, he doesn’t care. So she either needs to pick them up or shut up. Why run your life being so angry about someone else not doing something that only bothers you? What a waste of time!

On the other side… if he doesn’t like being spoke to like a child, then stop acting like one, purposefully leaving underpants on the floor for someone else to pick up after him, like a child. If you hate it so much be a responsible adult and show respect by being grateful your partner who wants to wash your pants and keep the house nice.

Both partners have the opportunity to resolve peacefully, but neither do. As both would rather continue in this drama to feed their ego that just LOVES to be right, than quickly solve the issue. Then other people get dragged into it, asking their opinion, building up an army behind them to PROVE they are right. As if they have back up to agree then they MUST be right. But these other people that get involved are all just coming at it from several different perspectives: one is amusement and smugness that they are not caught in this conflict with their own partner. Another is that they may be having their own conflict on a similar Subject with their own partner. Or they may be single and simply have a deep dislike for the opposite sex. It happens.

Sadly this relatively irrelevant argument infects the rest of the relationship slowly. Because both partners need to be right, and if they manage to get a small victory in one of the many arguments they have on the subject, the ego is now addicted. It’s gone into over drive. It wants more. So will slowly infect every part of the relationship. Laying traps subconsciously for the other person to fall into to pull them back into conflict, looking for things that are wrong, or that they can express as wrong to people they know will agree, anyone they try to get on side who applies logic to this situation will be quickly weeded out by the ego and surplus to requirements and probably not contacted until the argument has calmed or resolved or there’s another issue they may get on board with to get them to hate the partner.

So we are now at war. And it really is war. Each party builds up an army of people to back them up and who all want to attack too as you represent all their own personal grievances and insecurities. Then on the opposit side of the battleground the opposing party has done the same. The house is a battleground, people begin to stop coming by, no one wants to be around you both as a couple and you are further isolated on this battle ground with nothing but hate, abandonment, fear and your ego who is having a great time.

At some stage one or both will wonder what happened. Where did the love go. how did we get here? But generally it’s just too late. You’ve both gone too far. The pain is insurmountable and when you look at each other you are now simply reminders of the deep emotional pain you’ve been carrying around all of your adult life.

So you pick up that pain suitcase and add it to your collection ready to dump on someone else’s existence. Very quickly you will meet someone and straight away start feeling like you are finally home again, until you start to unpack…. and you start the whole cycle again. Jumping out of one toxic relationship to another trying to resolve the issues that only reside within you.

When you leave a relationship like the above. Leave the baggage for the bin men. You don’t need it. You do not need to carry all that pain, hurt and sadness into your next relationship. Because if you do, you will simply walk into one with someone with the identical luggage set.

Walk away with love and gratitude. Love the person without the crap. Genuinely wish them well and pray that they can heal. But it’s not your place to help them anymore. They were your lesson. You were theirs. Go somewhere quiet, be calm, be still. Stop the bad mouthing and anger and hatred toward them, it’s gone now and it’s not relevant.

Learn. Dig into that deep wound and dig out the shrapnel that’s preventing it from healing. It will sting like a bitch. But when it’s out it will heal and stop continuing to hurt you. Look inwards. Because, if you don’t like what you see outside of you in your immediate little existence-you need to look what’s going on inside of you in the only true existence that is. Once you are at peace with yourself, other peoples issues will no longer feel personal as you can’t match their feelings with it, you are not on their frequency. You don’t need to fight any corner as it just does not affect you in any way at all.

If someone was trying to tell you that 1+1=145 would you make it your absolute life’s mission to tell them otherwise. You may correct them at first but after a very very short space of time you just would give up as it’s not important to you what they think as you KNOW 1+1=2 so it’s a fact, you know it to be true so you don’t need to emotionally invest all your time going to war over it.

People fight and argue about ‘facts’ that they think are true because deep down they know they are not. they are nothing but perspectives that our ego has turned to fact. And we base our lives and speech around these perspectives that are not true for everyone. Even the worst crime imaginable isn’t fact-

‘killing people is wrong’

it’s not fact, as we would all gladly watch a child molester die. Especially if they’d hurt or killed our own child. So murder is wrong isn’t a fact as it’s not universally true for everyone in every situation.

Even if you say murdering someone who doesn’t deserve it is wrong, this seems fair doesn’t it?

But who decides who does and doesn’t deserve it? Based on everyone’s very different perceptions of life and their own thoughts, feelings and insecurities, this will vary hugely. In some cultures women are stoned to death for infidelity and sometimes just disrespecting the husband, to us in the western world this is unspeakable horror, but in their culture this would be classed as acceptable. So again, who do we entrust to make a fair decision on who is deserving to live or die. We can’t. Therefore it’s not fact. It’s perception and opinion that each individual decides personally on. If we can universally agree on the most basic of things like murder what chance do we have on living in harmony with each other when we expect everyone else to agree with every single one of our opinions. We are expecting the impossible. Then being angry and upset when it doesn’t happen. Like waking up every day expecting to have wings and fly, discovering we don’t then being angry at the world because of it. Then repeating. Every. Single. Day.

So the next time you are so adamant that you are completely right and that you need to be validated as right, ask yourself, is it true that I’m right. Is it universally the truth that I am right?

In the above scenario, the only truth was that pants were on the floor, and the partner got angry, then the other partner became defiant. They are the only truths. The partner who got angry wasn’t right or wrong for being angry but she wasn’t right or wrong for expecting the other to adhere to her wishes because it makes her angry. She is in control of what makes her angry. If she wants the anger to go away she should control the situation with action not anger. So just pick them up, and move on with your life. Equally the other partner can’t control their wife being angry when they throw dirty clothes on the floor but the fact is they will be, deal with the fact. He doesn’t like his wife getting angry, she gets angry every time he does this act. So don’t do it. Life really is that simple.

If you don’t like the way some behaves around or towards you, the only fact you have is that you don’t like it and the words and physical things they are doing that make you feel unhappy. It’s not fact that they are WRONG like it’s not fact that you don’t DESERVE them to treat you this way. It is what it is. That is the situation and you have a choice. Match their frequency with equal or more hate and anger and violence or simply walk away with love.

Love yourself enough to walk away and hold your own truths close to your heart and fill that soul with the love that gives you peace. Being right will only keep you satisfied for a short time as it’s changeable. being love and feeling love within yourself will satisfy you to a point you no longer rely on another to complete you. Or make you happy. So you will attract people who no longer want to cause conflict or fight you with their ego. You have the power to be happy right now. It’s Within you. And at the end of the day you are all you truly have.

No such thing as can’t

Hi guys. Right. Pinch punch first of the month!

Here’s a post I’ve written on alcohol addiction, but it can be applied to anything you want to eliminate or change.

In the 4 or so months I’ve been sober I’ve had a couple of slips, well 3 in total to be precise…but each time I learnt something new.

And Here’s some things I have learnt along the way:

💞 eliminate the day one mentality. You don’t get a badge, there’s no trophy at the end of your sober time (as it’s not a point a to point b thing) and to see it in days or months and pin your success on consecutive sober days means you are still attaching yourself to drinking, to state days sober and then reset each time you have a drink is totally and utterly soul destroying, and counter productive. By all means log your days sober but please don’t reset if you slip, don’t slide down the rabbit hole of despair feeling like that slip eliminates all previous success. It’s yet another tactic by the wine witch or as I call it, the ego, to drag you back to feeling despair, like a failure then that paves the way to give up giving up.

💞 be proud of your journey but focus your mindset on being ‘i dont drink alcohol’ instead of I’m —- days sober.
For example: You don’t eat parrots, would you say to people I’m — days free of eating parrots? No. Because it’s not a thing. You just don’t do it. You don’t need to count days for something that’s not a thing. Try to make that your mentality with drink. You don’t have to explain why you dont drink. You just don’t. If you now don’t smoke but used to, you wouldn’t stand and justify your not smoking, or give a day to day count of how long you’ve stopped, you just don’t smoke now. Same with drink- you just don’t drink now. It’s no big deal, it’s a great achievement to overcome addiction but Don’t make drink your life story. It’s something you DID. It’s not who you are or what defines you. If keeping a diary of days stops helps then great but it will help more to just see yourself as you and not attached to addiction to drink or even sobriety. You are just you and your preference is that you don’t drink.

💞practice self care. So important and so so rewarding. It may feel alien at first but then it becomes the new normal. Mine is meditation, audio books, long baths, journaling, painting and drawing… but it can be anything as long as you feel good and it’s just for you. No pressure to do it and no expectation.

💞 don’t let the ego or sub conscious convince you that you don’t have the time or money to spend it on yourself. You found the time and the money to drink, don’t let your sneaky brain convince you otherwise. This simply means it’s running scared, as you’re doing something that goes against its ultimate goal-to keep your drunk and compliant to its need for instant gratification and conflict. If it feels alien and uncomfortable but it’s a self care thing or something that’s a positive thing- trust me, DO IT. each barrier you destroy that belongs to the addictive egotistical part of your brain is a step closer to your own true happiness.

💞 the past is the past. Let it go. If others want to remind you of it, simply remove yourself from the conversation, or politely say that you would rather not talk about it as you are changing that part of you and if you keep talking over it, you feel bad which ultimately makes you want to give up. If you feel you need to apologise, get all your apologies done in one go, by text, letter or phone call, then LEAVE IT THERE. you’ve said sorry and if anyone wants to carry it on-you need to distance yourself. The best apology is change. Sadly some people don’t want you to change and they like you being destructive to yourself as it takes the focus off themselves. That’s their issue. Apologise. Move on.

💞if you wait for other people to change their behaviour or way they treat you before you are happy, you will never be happy. People WILL bring up the past, people WILL say things you don’t like, do things you don’t like. That’s their business. Don’t make it yours. What other people think of you is none of your business. It can only hurt you if you attach emotion to it. If you stick around to listen to it. If you invest in it.

💞think positively about yourself, if you like yourself that shines out of you. Other people will be drawn to you who like you. If you walk around talking negative about yourself others will join in. Feed your insecurities and around and around you will go. Get off the merry-go-round and walk off into the sunset knowing you are following a path that makes YOU happy. As quite frankly that’s your only job in life- to make yourself happy, fulfilled and to treat others with compassion, kindness, forgiveness and love. It’s not your job to have approval or to approve. If you have babies of your own your job is to feed, water, clothe and love. That’s it. Treat yourself the same.

💞 forgive yourself, forgive others, love yourself, love others. If it feels bad, walk away. Darkness cannot overpower light. It ALWAYS SHINES through, even the smallest amount is visible in the darkest of places. Darkness will always be there, somewhere, but all you need to do is shine to light it up. Smile at that stranger. When someone cuts you up on the road instead of anger and hate, wish them well on their journey as you never know what they’ve just gone through, give something away every day, even just a smile, or a compliment. Every evening write down what you are grateful for each day. Watch your life change.

💞 instead of putting every ounce of energy into staying sober, put it into making yourself happy. Start from scratch. Discover what you like and don’t like. I found out I NEED time on my own. Never knew this until I started soul searching.

Go with love and light 🙏🏻

I just want happiness…

I want it within me, around me and for every person on the planet. I want to see the light in places where it’s really dark. I want to remain calm in the face of chaos. I want to handle myself with as much dignity as I can while keeping myself honest.

I want to grow and keep growing as a person. I want so desperately to help other people. I never want any one to feel how I have in the past. I want to be so honest, open and raw that it makes others realise that there is no shame in our mistakes. They are lessons.

I want to become so forking enlightened I cry at a rainbow and dance in the rain, hug a tree and take leaps of faith ever single day.

I may be ridiculed, called names, I may not be able to enjoy conversations I once thought I got so much from-because now I realise I was simply feeding my ego by pointing out other people’s flaws or downfalls- I may have to be alone for a lot of my journey. But I’m not lonely anymore.

There are many things I may have to drop, many things I may need to over come. But, at the end of the day… that is all we have truly- ourselves. I don’t want to rely on other people or material things for happiness, I just want to enjoy them because I like them, not wander around with a feeling of incompleteness because I don’t have the best car/house/phone etc. I want to feel complete by just being where I am right now in this moment. I want to learn to be a human BEING.

If my journey offends you- I just want to be happy.

If you don’t understand why I’m being the way I am- I just want to be happy.

If you feel the need to scream negativity in my face or send me it in a message-It’s ok, I forgive you, because- I just want to be happy. And other people’s opinion is not necessary to my happiness.

I will no more tell another how to live their life than I will allow another’s opinion on how I live mine affect my goal-happiness. It’s ok. I no longer need approval, I don’t need to be told that it’s ok to do/say/act/feel a certain way, to BE happy.

Because, just being me-untethered, unapologetic, honest and filled with love…. I AM happy. And now I can’t go back to how I was.

And THAT I am truly grateful for 🥰

a poem I wrote when neck deep in alcohol addiction…

When I tell you I want to stop drinking will you laugh
cause you’ve heard it before and think I’m being daft
Will you hold my hand no matter how many times I fall
Or will you top up my glass cos ‘fuck em all’

Will you encourage me to party all through the night
Watching me be the fool but tell me it’s alright
Will you do shots with me and play drinking games
All the while watching me go a little bit more insane

Will you leave the night feeling good about us both
Or will you secretly judge me for drinking the most
Will you lay and hold me when I start to come down
Will you tell me it’s ok when my world turns upside down

Will you be by my side when the anxiety comes
Or will you forget I exist until you need your next fun
Will you join in the gossip and add to the hate
Or will you bite on your tongue knowing you did facilitate

Will you use it as an excuse to tear me down
Knowing I’m weak and easily drowned
Or will you love me exactly like I desperately need
Protecting me from the harm I so stupidly seek

I’m not just the bottle that I drown myself in
I’m human and worth loving despite all of my sins
Next time you judge, please remind yourself then
You gave your support for the path that you condemn

By Louise Shepherd